{ TGB } It's Quiet Uptown

Ktori had never known such frustration as the day Saphiria's eyes had opened to discover her tattoo had faded back to orange.

There was absolutely nothing he could do.  There were no words to offer that she had not already heard, and certainly nothing she wanted to hear from him- she did not want pity, and pity from her mate would have been the highest offense.  So he said very little.  He always offered his love, always brought her what he could- when she was deeply asleep, he would wash her hind legs.  If his hunting forays brought him out far enough, he would bring flowers to her den.  When he could, he slipped feathers into her nest.

But instead of easing her pain, he only seemed to make everything worse.  Her eyes slowly followed him with barely disguised fury, and his offerings seemed to be insults instead of gifts. 

He did not know what to do.

---

He'd brought her the best squirrel he could catch, hoping they could share it together.  It had been so long since they'd been able to do anything, what with Saphiria's pain and that constant look of hatred broiling just beneath the surface of her gaze.  The air between them was so tense now that he could scarcely bear it, but he was determined to find a way.  He had no other choice.

Before he had even made it to her, Saphiria snapped her head up and growled.

Growled. 

Ktori froze and almost looked over his shoulder to see what had upset her, but then a dangerously low snarl followed, and he realized.  It was him.

"I could have gotten that on my own."

His heart dropped for a second, plunging into icy waters deep within his chest, but Ktori struggled not to let her see.  "I'm sorry," he murmured respectfully, his voice quiet.  "I didn't mean to offend you."

Yet instead of her gaze calming, it flared with unprecedented rage, and he found himself actually taking a step back.  Before he could speak again, she was snapping at him.

"No one ever means to offend me, they're too scared of making me upset!"  Saphiria's eyes were dark fire.  "I'm tired of cats treating me like I'm some case to be pitied."

"I don't pity you, Saphiria- I only want to help you," Ktori said quickly, his voice soothing and sincere.  "I want you to tell me these things so I can do a better job-"

"Maybe I don't want your help!"  Her claws sank into the ground as if she needed to hold herself in place, lest she fly free and attack him.  That would have been easier to bear.  As it was, her words cut deep into his heart, severing arteries and leaving him bleeding from the inside out.  "Maybe I'm sick and tired of help.  I can do it, dammit.  And talk to you-!"  She scoffed.  "Like you talked to me about taking that Iver shit as your prisoner.  Because talking was so important to you then."

Ktori felt dizzy, and as he stared at her in dull horror, he realized the world was bleeding into grayscale.  He felt dangerously close to fainting.  "I'm sorry- I didn't realize-"  How long had she been boiling over this bitterness?  He knew she'd been angry, that she'd held it against him, but to imagine that she had refused to speak with him this long because of Iver...it was breaking him. 

"...I knew you would want to kill him.  I couldn't do that."  Ktori felt desperate for her to understand.  He could not kill another cat in cold blood; he wouldn't be an executioner.  "I could not allow that..."

"You went past me!  You knew how much it meant to me that I be talked to- I looked like a fool in front of the entire Tribe."  Her teeth glinted as she bared them at him.  "I was deputy and not even my own mate came to me about something as important as the safety of my own Tribe."

"Because Shadow Tribe's safety was not in jeopardy."  He pinned his ears for a second, confusion and hurt swimming in his golden eyes, but with all the effort he possessed he managed to push it away.

Iver's leg had been broken- he hadn't been a danger to anyone.  Saphiria had not been thinking straight and Ktori was afraid of the sentence she would give out of her anger.  All of these and more rose to his tongue, but just as quickly they died away.  Arguing with her was slowly killing him; something was dying in his gaze. 

"I don't want to argue with you, love...I know this is my fault."  He was trying so desperately to turn this around.  The hatred in her eyes was destroying his resolve.  "I am sorry.  I wanted to tell you...but I was..."  I was afraid.  Spirits help me, I was terrified, but I did not know how to tell you.  I swore an oath that I would never look weak in front of you again...

His apology fell on deaf ears.  "That wasn't for you to decide, Ktori!"  Her voice was raising to a shout.  "And don't sell me that bullshit, if you'd wanted to tell me I wouldn't have found out in the middle of a meeting!"

He winced in shock- it was the first he'd heard of this.  What?

But she kept going.  Her eyes were starting to tear up, but there was no grief there, only the blackest anger and frustration.  "I don't care if you're sorry- I tell you everything and you couldn't grant me that same respect."

"I thought Cenek had told you," Ktori whispered, anguished sincerity leaving him wide open.  "And I am sorry, Saphiria, but you don't tell me everything anymore.  You barely speak to me anymore."

"Cenek isn't my partner." 

She was glaring at him as if he'd been the one to rip away her title, to take her legs.  "Why should I try to talk to you about things when you couldn't talk to me about something as important as that?"

His mouth was so dry.  "Because I-"  I thought you loved me like I love you.  "...That's what mates do, even when they fight..."  Please, Saphiria.  I know you're there...please, come back to me.

"But you couldn't do it for me."  Ice leached into her voice now, and he could barely stand it.  Instead of returning to him, she was drifting farther away.  "I've spent my entire life struggling with wanting respect and you went behind my back."

"For Spirits' sake, Saphiria, I didn't want a cat to die!  And I've been trying to make up for that mistake for months, but it feels as if you don't even want me to try anymore- what can I do?"  He was almost frantic.  "What do I need to do for you to forgive me?  I am so sorry, Saphiria, I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to disrespect you."

"You haven't tried to make up for anything!  You don't try to talk to me; you're a hypocrite!"  Yet just as she started to yell, his question stopped her short, and she froze.  Her eyes did not soften, though.  "I'm tired, Ktori."

I know, I know, I'm so tired, love, but please... 

"I do try," he pleaded softly, his gaze flicking to the dying flowers in the corner, the soaked moss he'd brought and had rejected.  The squirrel still lay at his feet.  "I am just afraid...of..."  Of this.  Of hurting her, of everything blowing back in his face- and all of it is.  "Please, Saphiria...please.  Tell me what I can do..."

"No."  He flinched, but she did not.  Cold anger flared anew in her eyes as she stared him down, delivering his death sentence.  "You cowered instead of talking to me.  Even now you didn't want to talk about any of this until I blew up."

Please.

"We built our entire lives around each other..."

I know, Saphiria, so please, don't do this.

"...I made you my foundation, and I can't tell who I am anymore."

Her words were stones, dropping to the floor with dull, merciless clatters.  Dull horror was slowly working up his throat, consuming his gaze, and he wanted to cry out against it all- she couldn't be serious.

"I'm tired of relying on other cats to be my self worth."

You bore my children.  You gave me a place to call my own.  You showed me family.  He was dimly aware that he was shaking.  None of his thoughts were coming out, even though he was fighting to speak.  You promised you would love me forever.

"Do you..."  His voice broke and failed, but for her sake, he forced the words out.  He had to know.  He could not be a coward anymore.  Do you even want to be with me anymore?"

Silence.

Her eyes flickered for a moment as if she wanted to look away, but in the end she didn't.  She stared straight into his bleeding heart.

"I think you should go home, Ktori."

But you are home.  He knew that he was staring blankly at her because he did not understand.  Shadow Tribe was his home.  Saphiria was his home.  He did not know where he was supposed to be going.

"I don't want this anymore."

There was a knife plunging into his chest.

"This isn't healthy.  Not for either of us, I'm...not whole, and I can't find myself if-"  She tried again, her voice wavering for a second.  "Ktori, you should go."

He heard a low gasp as if someone nearby had been stabbed, too, and it took him several dizzying seconds to realize it came from his own lungs.  He wanted to tell her that he does not care if she isn't whole, he never has been, but she made him whole again- he doesn't care, but it is so clear she does.

"I can't be who I need to be right now, and you can't be who I need because I need to learn to love myself."  There was a hint of moisture around her eyes, but she didn't blink, and no tears came.  "I'm sorry."

His agony was enough to stop his heart right then and there, but through it all he remembered the promise he swore to himself above all else.  He still clung to that lone principle now- the one that drove his entire life.  Her happiness meant more than anything else.

More than his own.  More than breathing.

And he saw now that he no longer makes her happy anymore; in fact, he was the one keeping her from being happy.  There was nothing he could do to fix it.  There was nothing to do...except to leave.

He slowly turned around and began to walk.  He did not stop walking.  If he faltered, he would break, and he would never make it out; besides, he could not stay here.  If she needed him gone, then he could not stay in Shadow Tribe, and that meant he was now an exile.  He felt nothing as his powers seeped away and abandoned him.  He heard faint sobs, but he no longer trusted himself as to whether they were real.  It was quite possibly a trick to get him to turn around and beg for her forgiveness- but he would not.  He could not.

He had lost everything.  He had no home anymore.

---

Hermione was patrolling the riverside when she noted the figure in the distance.  There was something about it- beyond the patched pelt, there was a familiarity that screamed at her.  She realized it immediately when she paused to take it in.  The way he moved as if recovering from a terrible limp that was no longer there; there was no mistaking her father.

"Dad!"  Hermione lit up, splashing through the current and striking out with her strong, long limbs.  She was up and out of the water in a matter of seconds, bounding towards the Orange-Light, her eyes sparkling.  She had not seen him in so long, since he had moved to Shadow Tribe officially. 

He was still moving.  And as she drew closer, she realized he was not slowing down- he kept walking forward, but with slow, unsteady steps.

"Dad?" 

No response.

Hermione felt a dim panic flutter briefly in her chest before she ran after him, water spraying from the length of her tail.  She caught him fairly quickly, and he slowly came to a stop just before she bounded around in front of him.  When she did, her heart all but stopped.

He was a dead cat walking.  There was no life in his golden eyes, and if she had not just seen him walking, she would have assumed rigor mortis had set in and frozen his legs to the ground.  All that registered was the deepest agony in his shattered gaze, and Hermione felt her spirit crumbling as she realized his tattoo was a lifeless gray.

"What happened?" she whispered, moving closer.  He flinched as if afraid she would strike him, but when her wet fur gently meshed against his, he shuddered.  She did not recognize the voice that came from his shaking jaws.

"I am leaving, Irune."

"No, you're not," Hermione said on impulse, her brow furrowing.  It was impossible.  Nothing could force her father to abandon the Tribes, nothing at all.  He would never.  "No, you're not," she repeated, as if she could make it true, but that gray diamond kept drawing her eyes.

"I have no choice," he whispered flatly, and it sank in.

Silence sank in around them, and she became ever more disturbed by the look in his eyes.  He was gazing ahead as if the sound of the rushing Void Tribe waters was calling him, and Hermione shook her head fiercely.  Hatred broiled in her chest as hot as fire, and she shook her head again, going so far as to latch a claw in her father's fur and shake him, too.

"No."

He slowly turned to look at her with the bewildered confusion of a kit that has just been scolded for trying to eat a berry.  A poisonous berry.

"We'll leave, Dad," Hermione promised, her gaze narrowing, "but you have to take care of me, understand?  I need you."

He did not even argue.  He simply kept staring with that heartbreaking confusion, and Hermione had to coax him to keep moving, guiding him far away from the Wanderer, continuing to walk even as her tattoo turned black and her own heart broke.

I am so sorry, Odin.  Please forgive me.  I will always love you.

---

They walked through the night into unknown territory, far past the lands the Tribes had inhabited so briefly, far past any friendly faces.  And when Ktori's legs gave out under the stars and Hermione curled around him, he broke.  His sobs shook his entire body and shook hers, too, and it was her turn to be rattled about by him. 

He never stopped.