{ oSaC } My Thoughts Are Like Dust

{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Near the Tidal Delta }

Strange things lurked in the darkness, but whenever she tried to get a closer look, they would dance away from her and leave her alone again.

Sometimes she caught snatches of sound, but she wasn't sure what they were supposed to mean.  What did sound mean?  What was the use of it?  She did not even know who she was, or rather, what she was, since in this place of shadowy solitude there really wasn't much to be.  She couldn't move, couldn't speak, wasn't sure if she'd ever been able to do any of those things.  All she knew was that she felt strangely light and airy, as if she might be able to fly if she tried, but something whispered to her to stay on the ground.  She didn't know why, but she listened.

And then suddenly claws that she hadn't even known were there began lifting away from her thoughts, freeing her, and with a muddled confusion she reached for them.  A slow, unsteady understanding began to fill her again.  She was...she was Tidefrost.  She was a vanguard.  Right?  Yes...a vanguard.  She fought Ashen.  She-

A sharp, shaking hiss tore itself from her as the gray she-cat's eyes fluttered open, still glazed over and unable to see anything, but oh, Tidefrost saw.  She saw the hellions again, heard their words through the haze that still clung so stubbornly to her head and filled her ears, muting much of what had happened.  Shards of phrases and images came back to her in broken pieces.  Featherpool...injured...  She shivered as if cold.  Hopflight.

Her stomach felt as if it had been hollowed out, but that was nothing compared to the tight, throbbing pain on the left side of her chest.  Tidefrost groaned faintly between her teeth as her eyelids flickered, struggling to open, lethargy refusing to let her go just yet.  A dim thought wandered unbidden through her mind- how long had she been out?  Hadn't...hadn't Hopflight told her something before she'd lost track of...life?  Don't die.  She shuddered and managed to force her heavy eyelids upward, staring into the face of the splotched tom with a curiously blank expression as she tried to remember everything.

This cat...has saved my life again.

Well, that seemed like a good enough place to start.

Her voice was hoarse and faint from lack of use and pain, but her eyes crinkled slightly at the edges with the ghost of a smile.  "..Morning," she rasped.


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Near the Tidal Delta }

Seeing her awaken, Hopflight's face lifted into a dopey grin.  His eyes were slightly unfocused, and he swayed like a fragile tree in a great gale.  But he looked absurdly pleased with himself.  "Yo," he chortled.  "Nice to see you're still alive.  Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to pass out now..." his legs buckled slightly as he tried to lay down, so he ended up falling on his face.  He grumbled in discomfort, vision swimming for a moment, but did manage to stay conscious, even though he was flopped on the ground beside her.
Floppy pressed his paws over his muzzle to hold back his laughter, but didn't seem to be trying too hard to keep himself from giggling.  Hopflight really was making a fool out of himself, and as a rule Floppy always giggled when Hopflight acted funny.
"Shush," Hopflight chortled.  "Think you can eat something, Tide?  It's been... what, three, four days?  You're probably starving."


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Near the Tidal Delta }

The gray vanguard blinked blearily, his words taking a moment to truly sink in and register.  Still alive...huh.  It was a muted sense of surprise as she glanced over herself, viewing her wounds as if they were someone else's, as if a soft gray blanket had been tossed over her emotions and blotted out the horror she would've otherwise felt.  "Yeah, I guess I am..." she mumbled, her voice sounding like rolling rocks, and she winced.  Featherpool straightened beside her, eyes glowing with delight, and Tidefrost managed the tiniest of grins.  "Hey."

"You scared me half to death," the familiar scolded, trembling slightly even as her ears pinned back.

Tidefrost almost laughed.  "No...I think the hellion did that."

"Not funny," Featherpool gasped, but it really was and she knew it.  Lucky for her, the familiar could actually laugh.  Something was wrong with Tidefrost's chest and she couldn't, but she still let herself savor the amusement inside her head.  It was morbidly funny and it was better than anything else she had right now.

Her eyes fixated on Hopflight again, focusing.  He didn't look so good.  Actually, if she really thought about it, he looked downright awful.  Guilt rushed through her as she realized the implications of his words- that he'd done all this to keep her breathing somehow, or, rather, her heart beating.  She had a feeling she hadn't done a whole lot of breathing.  Her lungs felt as if her entire life had been completely sedentary, for just trying to move her torso sent spasms of pain and exhaustion through her and reopened the chasm in her belly.  Hunger.  She latched onto his words, thinking for a long time about them, before whispering raggedly, "I think...so."

She still could not tear her eyes away from his wounds.  They looked raw, painful, even beneath the wispy silver cobwebs...and she felt worse to know it was because of her.  Tidefrost shivered slightly and her forepaw twitched faintly, as if trying to reach out towards him.  "You're hurt," she murmured, her eyes pained as if they were her own wounds.  Not as if they'd have made much of a difference.  She was a royal mess anyway.


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Near the Tidal Delta }

"Oh, don't get all guilty-eyes on me," Hop said, turning on his side so he was facing her.  He grinned, trying to lighten the mood with his own positive nature.  "It doesn't suit you, dearest Tidefrost.  These scratches aren't nothin'."  Hopflight was peculiar this way.  When an injury was minor, barely a scratch on a day where there wasn't much danger to be found, he would limp and swagger and fall dramatically over everyone else, drawing everyone's attention to his great, painful battle wounds that he would surely die from.  It was only when both the situation and his wounds were serious that he would pass them off as nothing and continue forward.  The deep gouges on his limbs and back sent a deep, aching pain through most of his body.  But that was to be expected.  It certainly wasn't her fault that the world was now inhabited by monsters, and no cat could get a decent near-death scene without attracting a dozen other dark creatures.  

Floppy hopped over to Tidefrost, a vyrmian clamped in his sharp buck teeth.  He had hunted it himself (a fact that he was absurdly proud of), and he placed it in front of her nose and nudged it towards her.  "I've been hunting for Hoppy, but I made sure to save some for when you woke up!" Floppy sang.  "You should eat up because you're gonna have to try to walk.  I don't think we'll last much longer out in the open like this, and it should only take a couple of hours to get to the refuge."


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Near the Tidal Delta }

The gray she-cat's face slowly crumpled into a frown, tentative so as not to reopen the weak, bright-red weal running down her face.  It stung horribly.  "It's not nothing," she croaked, managing to look stern even in her position.  "If it was...you'd be bawling all over me."  Tidefrost winced at the amount of air that sentence had required of her, but once she'd caught her breath she nodded to Floppy and almost smiled.  The ghost of it seemed to heighten the hollows in her cheeks.

"Thanks," she whispered, blinking her gratitude to the familiar.  The gray vanguard dug her claws into the ground and dragged herself a pace forward, bending her muzzle towards the vyrmian's body.  She willed back a sickening rush of dismay at the thought of walking, but it didn't cross her expression.  She'd gone through too much for that now.  Instead, Tidefrost disguised her unease by attacking her meal- or, rather, forcing down her spectacular lack of appetite to take small bites of Ashen meat.  Normally she liked vyrmian just fine, but now she didn't really want to eat anything.  She'd done worse, though, so Tidefrost somehow found the strength to make her throat curl around the scraps of prey and carry it to her empty stomach.  She needed it more than it apparently thought.

"Alright," she rasped after several mouthfuls, shivering lightly and trying to lick the taste of Ashen off her jaws.  She could still taste lingering blood; she hurt everywhere, but the gash across her forehead stung like fire, especially now that her stomach didn't command attention anymore.  Tidefrost took a deep, shaking breath and looked at them all, Featherpool standing silently as if knowing what the gray vanguard wanted.  Even if she would never dare say it outloud, Tidefrost needed help.  The familiar's silken fur brushed against her master's as way of support, and gritting her teeth so hard that she was convinced for a moment they would shatter, Tidefrost pushed against the ground.  StarClan, that hurt.  It was a thousand lightning bolts pinning her to the earth and lashing at her every effort to get away.  It was a forest fire eating her alive unless she dared to succumb.  And then she was standing, swaying as if on catnip, except her eyes were so much fiercer and so much more alive.

I have survived...again.


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Near the Tidal Delta }

"Shush," Hopflight said, flicking his tail.  "There's no time for bawling right now.  Don't you worry your pretty little head--it'll come later, and you'll be sorry you were concerned."  Floppy brought him a piece of fresh-kill as well, and he bent his head to tuck in.  When he was power-strained, he always felt better after a meal, a bath, and a nap.  Even though he could only afford one of those three at the moment, it still provided him some measure of relief.  He gobbled his vyrmian right down, finishing well before Tidefrost, then shook his head and hauled himself to his feet again.  
He crossed the remainder of the distance to Tidefrost, limping slightly on two legs, and stood beside her, using his muzzle to help her get to her paws.  "Lean on me if you need to," Hopflight said.  He paused, chortled, and amended, "and if you're too stubborn to think you need help, lean on me anyway.  Stars know we can't have you collapsing halfway to the refuge.  We'll get there, curl up, and sleep until the world rights itself again."  


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Near the Tidal Delta }

A cold, unforgiving wind buffeted her fur and nearly unbalanced her; as it was, she ground her teeth together and dug aching claws into the ashy ground, heart thumping.  Something like electricity leaped across her shoulder at his touch and she jumped, but the snap that usually accompanied static never came- it fell away, though a fuzzy sort of tingling still lingered.  Tidefrost shivered lightly and then rolled her eyes, wanting to ignore his offer and yet unable to walk on her own at the same time.  Featherpool gave her an encouraging glance, and with a shaking sigh the vanguard let Hopflight support just a pinch of her weight.  She refused to give him much more than a couple of pounds' worth, especially considering his own injuries.  Her bad leg made an ominous crackling sound as she shifted and swallowed back a groan; it was probably broken, judging by how it felt and how much damage it'd sustained.  Her brow furrowed so much that she swore she'd nearly cracked the gash open again, and quickly she righted her expression, chin quivering so hard she looked either ready to scream at the sky or cry.

"Let's get this over with," she whispered, her nose a ghostly white-gray now as blood drained from her face.  Featherpool gave her paw a comforting squeeze, though the familiar looked drawn and exhausted already too.  Didn't they make a pair.


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Near the Tidal Delta }

Hopflight gave her a wary smile and shifted closer to her, so they were leaning on one another.  Supporting each other, in a sense.  Floppy hopped alongside his bad leg, nudging it every time it faltered or threatened to collapse.  It was extremely slow going, and Hopflight's senses were going haywire as he watched for enemies.  It was hard to decide between quicker routes and safer routes.  Their luck had been tested a lot already, and he didn't want to have to push it further than they should.

Every once in awhile, he would try to reach out with his mind and mentally stumble as he found it difficult to grasp his powers.  Observing with his telepathy was so second-nature by now that it felt like he was missing another sense.  Though he could have forced his powers if he needed to, he recognized that doing so would be a bad idea, especially if it drained him any more, or if he needed to save those powers to use for later.  He grit his teeth and bit and continued onwards, staring down at his paws and counting the steps.  One... two... three... he fell into the rhythm.

It was hours of travel in that fashion, but Hopflight refused to stop even once.  If they stopped, there was a good chance that they wouldn't be able to get going again before trouble found them.  He almost cried in relief when he finally spotted the refuge, a dip in the ground which was once a river but was now a small stream, trickling towards the ocean.  He made his way down the little path and felt a sigh of relief when they passed through the enchantments that kept the Ashen away.  We made it.  Thank the stars, we made it.


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Near the Tidal Delta }

The feel of his fur against hers was what enabled her to keep going.  Even when she thought her chest was going to cave in, or when her legs were trembling so badly she swore she was going to collapse any second now, she managed to put one shaking foot in front of the other and force onward.  Hopflight was struggling just as hard next to her, and she leaned against him even as he did the same to her, needing his warmth and his weight as much as she needed air.

Walking for such a long time gave an individual hours to think.  Hours and hours on which to contemplate the misfortune many called life, and the entangled snares and miseries that great misfortune so happened to encompass.  She knew many of them.  She had a feeling Hopflight did too.  Between the pair of them, they could have written a history of life and the downfalls; but therein, Tidefrost realized, was the problem.  She had no true understanding of the upsides.  She was only just now learning pride- when she saw Tigerpaw's flawless hunting crouch, or the way her eyes shone so excitedly when she did something right.  She'd only known what felt like self-confidence for a few months before it'd been shattered for her.  And she thought she knew love.  But if she was being honest, it terrified her more than any misery life could bring.  

Maybe that was because she couldn't understand love.  It was something wild and feral and completely unlike grief or pain; it burned holes in people so that others could fill them for you.  Tidefrost wasn't used to others holding her together.  She'd always pushed others away and tried to mend herself, wrapping her arms around her riddled torso until she was punched through and half-empty and shaking from the uselessness of it all.  Confinement.  Confinement was safe, it was simple, and it was so, so hard.  But maybe it was harder to let somebody in, and to trust them to fill the gaping holes.  Because if they collapsed on you, how on Earth were you going to keep yourself together?

It took her hours.  But as she did, she realized that, just maybe, some of her holes had already been filled without her knowing.  Or maybe she had known.  Maybe she just had turned a blind eye to them.  Regardless of the fact, Tidefrost saw them now, and they thrilled and terrified her in a way that nothing else ever had and ever would.  Her eyes flickered weakly to Hopflight, dull beneath half-open lids and a drooping head, and yet the fire that sparked in her chest was shockingly vivid.

I think I might...love you a little.

And as if on cue, the refuge became visible over the horizon.  Tidefrost felt aching relief seep through her bones as she were made of nothing but aches and pains, and she tried to move a little faster, Featherpool's excitement visible in her quivering frame.  Safe.  They were safe.  They'd finally made it.


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Tidal Delta Refuge }

Hopflight had thought that he was going to collapse the second they were in the refuge, fall asleep, and not get up for a long, long while.  But he found that when it was time to stop, it was extremely hard to still his paws.  He had been forcing himself to walk for hours, requiring constant motion.  He'd drilled it into his mind that he couldn't pause or falter for even a second, and his body was still obeying those silent commands.  With a great measure of concentration, he managed to slow to a halt beside the trickling stream, staring down at the burbling ribbon of water.

This stream had probably once been a mighty river, judging by the size of the gully that the refuge was built into.  It had been as deep as the walls on either side of him were tall, and as powerful as the rivers he had known back in his old home.  Some event, most likely the Calamity, had caused it to slow to this much smaller trickle, winding its way through the ashy sand.  He had never seen it before it had become like this, but he could imagine.  He felt a strange flutter of respect for this little stream.  As much as the Calamity had crippled it, it was still making its way to the sea...

You moron.  What, are you going to start writing poetry next?

Hmph.  Well it was pretty metaphorical.  TidalClan...

No, it's not metaphorical.  Your goal has never been to stay the same, to keep trying to live the way you'd been living before.  Yes, as much as your people have been crippled, you don't have the same goal.  Is this river trying to change the world?  No, it's just trying to flow the same way it always has.  You got rid of the Clans because you knew such a concept would never exist in the Calamity.

Aah, yes, little voice in his head.  It was right, and he knew it.  No, there were no more clans.  There would never be clans again--for how could any cat go back to small, feudal battles, after discovering what a wide, wide world they lived in?  How could they go back to living by the flawed Warrior Code, tailored only by those who wanted to spend their lives living by imaginary conflicts?  He had known since the moment he had stood up from the Calamity.  There would be no more clans, no more pointless battles.  As much as he'd loved his own Clan, he'd never liked the system that they lived by.  If the Calamity had not occurred, he would have died unfulfilled.  A part of him was guilty at that very thought.  He would not have wished the Calamity upon the world, but it had... given him a purpose.  As much as it had destroyed him, and all of them, look at what they had created from it!  They had pushed past their limits and found that they could accomplish anything when united.  This world would throw challenge after challenge at them, and as long as they continued to stand together and improve themselves, they would prevail.  That was why Safe Haven had been created.

He had never thought about what might happen if they accomplished their goal.  If they wiped the ashen from the world and reclaimed it in the name of light.  To be honest, he doubted that he would be alive to see it.  But if it did happen...

Nothing will ever be the same.

It was a comforting thought, and he smiled as he lowered himself down, letting out a grateful sigh as he sat, sphynx-like, beside the stream.  He bent his head and took a long drink.  It was bitter and lukewarm, but like the pure freshwater that existed within Safe Haven, but better than many of the sources that cats relied on outside of the walls.  It helped him clear his head.  He felt bright and happy and he almost laughed.  They had done it again.  They'd survived, because damn it they were always going to survive.  It was ingrained deep within the natures of all those who had made it this far.

Now, time to have a little heart-to-heart with his former apprentice.

He let out a breath and slowly turned towards Tidefrost, giving him his best betrayed-and-wounded look.  There was too much brightness in his eyes, too much victory, for him to be able to really pull it off, but he wasn't actually trying to fool her.  He was going for dramatic effect.  "I had a little chat with Featherpool," he said.  "She says you're mad at me!  Imagine that!"


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Tidal Delta Refuge }

Faded blue eyes fixated on the stream, carefully eyeing it even as Tidefrost stumbled on her final step and sank ungracefully to her stomach, her legs shaking from the effort.  For several seconds she could only fight for breath, her chest sore and her hind leg burning.  She could hardly see straight, it hurt so badly.  Then the haze of red began to fade away, and Tidefrost blinked rapidly, her head spinning back into focus.  The water kept trickling, dark and gritty and soiled by ash, and yet so much cleaner than most other sources outside of refuges and Safe Haven.  Hopflight was bending forward to lap some of the stream, but Tidefrost couldn’t even consider moving.  She could scarcely continue to breathe as it was.

There was a gleam in his teal eye when Hopflight turned back around to look at her, and Tidefrost blinked slowly in surprise.  He looked better just after a swift drink.  Wishing she was able to do that, the gray vanguard simply blinked back and turned her head towards Featherpool.  The familiar looked just as exhausted as Tidefrost felt, unable to hide it any longer.  The silver-furred creature trembled and sank to the ground like a small weight, and Tidefrost nosed her side gently, a silent surge of companionship coursing through her.  They’d made it.  Even after facing three hellions head-on, they were still breathing together.  Granted, without Hopflight that wouldn’t be the case, but…Tidefrost had to find the bright side somewhere, right?

”You’re a right stubborn little rat, know that?” the vanguard whispered into Featherpool’s ear, and the wolf grinned tiredly.  Even in such a weary state, she knew what Tidefrost had disguised in the seemingly cruel tease.

”Only fitting, I am your familiar.”

Tidefrost considered this.  ”Fair enough.”  She glanced back towards Hopflight to see what he thought before she stopped in shock, taken aback by the look of betrayal on his face.  It took her several seconds to realize he was doing it on purpose, but still- what in StarClan was he doing?  Tidefrost blinked rapidly as if her eyelids could bat away the confusion, but when the monarch spoke it only increased.  Featherpool’s face was a tiny mask of shock at her side, so Tidefrost knew it was true- at least, partially.  She had no idea what to think.

”Really?” Tidefrost finally said faintly, her eyes darting towards her familiar.  Featherpool wasn’t looking at her.  For a while she just stared, but when nothing changed Tidefrost felt her shoulders sag in defeat and the question she’d been holding back came to the forefront of her mind.  It swam annoyingly in front of all other thoughts and demanded her attention.  I have to know.  Yet even as she acknowledged the fact, it woke dread deep in her heart.

”Hopflight…”  The gray she-cat shivered, staring at her paws.  ”..What did you hear?”


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Tidal Delta Refuge }

Hopflight let out a sigh at Tidefrost's words.  He didn't miss the fact that they were practically identical to the words that Featherpool had spoken almost immediately after waking up.  These two got right to the point, and the fact that both familiar and summoner had been anxious about the question meant that it really was nagging at them.  Oh, bother, he thought, mentally groaning.  He hated having the same conversation twice, and it sounded like that was just about exactly what was going to happen, not that he could avoid it.  He rolled onto his side a bit so he was more comfortable but still facing her.  

"I already told little wolf-bird," he said, raising one paw to his muzzle and drawing a tongue over it lazily.  He could feel dirt and blood between his toes, and it made him grimace and drop his paw again.  No way was he going to be able to groom and hold a serious conversation at the same time right now.  He'd have to wait until after they'd gotten past the complicated bits.  "I heard most of the end.  Mostly I picked it up telepathically, but I had to keep tabs on you to be sure I was going in the right direction.  I don't make a point of listening to conversations between hellion and victim.  It's my experience that they're quite... personal."

His gaze was still bright and confidant, but he felt a little flicker of unease.  The hellion had almost said something... something... something to him.  Why had it made him so angry?  He'd forced the thing to tear itself apart because of it.  The reason you won't take a mate.  He shoved the thought out of his mind, giving his head a quick shake to truly banish it.  There's no reason.  Too many beautiful dames for me to settle down with just ONE.  The answer mollified him for the time being.

"You should have heard all of the lovely things I said about you when I talked with Feather," he said, twitching an ear.  "To be honest, I never realized that casually calling you beautiful would make you upset."


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Tidal Delta Refuge }

The tom looked annoyed at her words, but Tidefrost could hardly keep breathing at the thought of what he’d overheard during the hellion’s final conversation with her.  How much did he know?  She wasn’t sure…she knew he’d heard something.  But she didn’t know what.

When Hopflight’s eyes flicked towards Featherpool and his tongue rasped between his toes, Tidefrost blinked in surprise and looked at her familiar again.  You spoke to him without me?  It was as if Ruth could hear her, for the silvery wolf glanced up.  She looked ashamed.  Yet that didn’t matter, for Hopflight was still speaking and a thrill of terror rushed through her.  Maybe he already knew how she felt.  Or maybe he…he hadn’t really listened, maybe he’d missed that last part.

”They’re horrible things,” Tidefrost choked out, her eyes stinging as she glanced back to her paws.  The vanguard shivered slightly at the memory of those haunting red eyes blazing into hers as she waited to die.  It had even made her want to die.  She’d never lost a fight like that before, and she’d lost spectacularly at the end.  All because of its stupid abilities.

She stared back at Hopflight, noting with surprise a flicker of unease across his face.  What was that for?  A chill crept over her flanks, but he didn’t comment, seeming to answer the unspoken question and speaking to her instead about his conversation with Ruth.  Tidefrost’s pelt prickled with self-consciousness and she looked away.  She didn’t really want to believe it.  ”If you did talk to her,” she rasped, her voice still faint, ”you’d know it wasn’t because it was casual.  Anyway, it doesn’t matter.  I just wanted to know…what you heard.”


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Tidal Delta Refuge }

Hopflight's face hardened a bit.  Though he still retained his smile, the excited, passionate light had begin to dim from his eyes.  Floppy seemed to feel it, and twitched his nose, walking over to curl beside Hopflight's flank, his brown back fur brushing Hop's black.  You should just tell her, the Familiar thought.  Usually it worked, thinking what he wanted to say to his master and letting the telepathic tom pick up on it.  He realized that he wasn't getting through this time, though.  Hop's powers were completely off for the time being.  The rabbit-creature let out a long sigh.  Come on, tell her how you really feel.  Anything important, you want to hear it from her, not some hellion using it to manipulate you.

Floppy was surprised at the next words that came out of his master's mouth, though he really shouldn't have been.  Hopflight had never abandoned the nature that had been manifested into his Familiar.  The playfulness, the love towards friends, the desire for everything to be brighter and happier.  

"Nothing that I'll ever put any faith in," Hopflight said seriously.  His eyes were intense, and trained right on Tidefrost's own blue gaze.  He meant what he said.  Every word of it.  "I asked you once, a long time ago, never to lie to me.  Call me a damned fool, but I trust that you never have.  I don't care that you've kept secrets, or that there's some stuff that you don't want me to know.  That's fair.  As long as you don't feed me some lie to keep me off that trail, I'll accept it.

"I don't care what the hellion said.  I've put it out of my mind.  Hellions say things that cause us to doubt ourselves and each other, and they sometimes stretch the truth too far in order to achieve that.  I won't believe a word out of its twisted skull mouth thing.  Anything that you have to say, anything at all, I want to hear it from you.  Not from some Ashen freak.  Not even from your familiar.  I want the words of Tidefrost of Safe Haven, from Tidefrost's mouth to Hopflight's ears.  If there's something you don't want me to know, I trust you completely to keep it from me as you see fit.  You have your reasons."  He left out what he almost said after that: But I do wish you would trust me with your burdens from time to time.  This wasn't the place to bring up any concept of her trust in him.  He hoped that if she truly trusted him, it would come from her entirely, and not from any suggestion of his own.

"This might be the last thing you want to hear," he huffed, crossing his paws and laying his head down on them.  "But it's the truth, as true as you can get from my lazy Monarch pelt.  You don't need to worry about anything.  I've effectively heard absolutely nothing, and I refuse to let my hard work to get you to believe in me be completely wasted because of an Ashen.  I'll wait for it all from you."


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Tidal Delta Refuge }

Her eyelids fluttered faintly in shock at what he was saying.  So he...he was just going to disregard everything he'd heard?  But it's true.  She bit her lip, then, because it had to be.  She couldn't dance around her feelings anymore and pretend they weren't there.  For StarClan's sake, she'd nearly died when the hellion had spoken the words she'd always dreaded and avoided considering.  She loved this tom.  She loved him, and Tidefrost couldn't deny it any longer- it had been pushed in front of her at long last and she had to deal with it.  No more skirting away or pretending it wasn't real, or that it was going to fade.  She'd probably loved him for months but refused to acknowledge if even to herself.

Yet Tidefrost's jaws still dropped when he implied that she lacked faith in him.  She would've followed Hopflight off a cliff if he so wished it- even without his Command abilities- and sometimes she wasn't sure why.  Try as he might to get others to prance around and not care as he pretended to, to turn a blind eye to the turmoil of this sick world, he was a good cat.  A strong cat.  He'd saved her life and so she already owed it to him anyway.  That kind of bond was never going to fade, and inexplicably it had tied her loyalty completely and forever to his.

But he didn't believe that.

The look Featherpool have her, pleading but silent, made up her mind.  The gray vanguard's paws started to tremble as nerves locked and twisted in apprehension, her breath shaking in her throat.  "You think I don't...trust you?"  Tidefrost let out a trembling sigh, all of the old fears and misgivings coming back.  Was this...safe?  Immediately she snapped internally at herself.  Now she was just being stupid.  This was Hopflight.

She took a long, deep inhale before her chin quivered.  "Okay.  Fine.  I...I'm going to tell you the truth, then."  Her eyes burned into his before her voice weakened, frail enough to break with a single breath.  "Please don't interrupt.  Please don't..."  She looked away, silent for a minute, and then closed her eyes. "Don't...laugh, either.  I don't want to joke about any of it."


Hopflight | Monarch | Tidal Delta Refuge }

Hopflight opened his mouth, reconsidered what he'd been about to say, and closed it again.  She was... really going to open up to him?  Now?  That certainly hadn't taken very long.  It was probably his fault--after all, as much as he'd tried to curb his own guilt-tripping, he had mentioned a few times already that he believed she didn't trust him.  He wasn't oblivious or stupid--he knew that Tidefrost trusted him deeply.  She trusted him with her life, trusted him as a friend and as a fellow member of Safe Haven.  A fellow warrior fighting against the Ashen.  But she had never trusted him with her secrets.  He flicked his ear back slightly, the only outward sign of his guilt and slight apprehension.  He shouldn't care about it as much as he did.  But... he was a social creature.  He didn't like the act of keeping secrets, even if they were secrets that didn't matter very much in day-to-day conversation.  Hypocrite, he told himself grimly.  You should practice what you preach, Hopster.  You've never breathed a word about Jaggedclaws.  Birdie doesn't even know the full story.  His mentor had guessed just enough to leave him alone about it after.

Perhaps it's a good thing that cats don't dwell on the past.

But if it was something that was on her mind so much, something that always got between them?  Then it should come out into the open.  Because then it mattered.  Besides, he had been her mentor, and it had been his duty to right the wrongs that had been done to her.  Fix her, and make her whole and happy again.  He had done a wretched job so far, but his task wasn't over, even though she wasn't an apprentice anymore.

He smiled lightly.  "Alright," he said.  "I'll do my best to curb the darker side of my nature.  I won't make fun.  That's a promise."

Another flicker, this time of actual guilt.  Guilt and sorrow.  The two of us have a history of not being able to keep our promises.


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Tidal Delta Refuge }

The gray she-cat quivered faintly, feeling strangely cold as she looked across at the Monarch for a minute; then she blurted out, as if feeling the need to let him know, "I only lied to you...once.  When I said I didn't remember.  I remember everything."  Tidefrost fell strangely silent, her eyes glazing over and almost looking...empty.  Dead.

"My father and mother...weren't TidalClan.  My mother was AspenClan, I guess...my father didn't tell me much.  About her, I mean.  The most he'd usually say is how I killed her."  Tidefrost shuddered and rubbed a paw against her eyes, as if wiping away old sights she didn't want to see again.  "He was formerly RaggedClan.  Self-exiled, because if he'd stayed, he might've been killed...for what he did...and he would have deserved it.  He wanted to be leader, so he could...bring my mother to his Clan.  She was pregnant with his kits, though, and AspenClan...threw her out.  So he had to change his plans.  He was going to kill his leader...but my uncle found out.  And when he tried to stop my father, he murdered him.  His own brother."  The vanguard's throat convulsed as if fighting back sick, or if she were trying to swallow and her throat was too dry to accept it.  After a few seconds she muttered, "I was going to be his weapon...to get back at the Clans.  He taught me death blows when I was three moons old.

"Needless to say, I hated him.  He...killed the kittypet he forced to keep me alive as soon as I didn't need milk anymore...."  Tidefrost closed her eyes and turned her face away, unconsciously showing the scars raking down her right eye without even meaning to.  She sighed, a shaking, uncertain sound, before continuing faintly, "He broke my leg when I was little...and only gave me a week to rest on it.  That's why it's...messed up like this.  Long story short, I...I couldn't take it anymore, so I ran.  He would've killed me...but the rocks..."

She glanced back at him briefly, the old haunted look in her eyes again.  "The rocks that Swiftstar told everyone to stay away from...I ran there.  And they fell on him."

For several long seconds she was quiet, and then her eyes found Featherpool, who was sitting in respectful silence with a look of sadness on her face.  Tidefrost's eyes softened faintly and then she suddenly said, "Her name isn't Featherpool.  It's...Ruth."  The silvery creature's head jerked up in shock, her eyes wide and confused, and then Tidefrost looked back to Hopflight with an unreadable expression.  "After the cat I saved after the Calamity.  We survived together...for moons.  We were answering your Call together....But I was foolish, and I didn't...take the rear as usual.  We were ambushed."  The gray she-cat's claws flexed, but the look on her face was not anger.  It was grief and guilt.  "She wouldn't...wouldn't let me go back for her.  They ripped her to pieces."


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Tidal Delta Refuge }

Hopflight's eyes slowly widened as Tidefrost told her story.  He tried, he tried so hard to keep it under control.  He'd even guessed a good part of it, from what she had told him when she was delirious before the Calamity, and from his own observations.  Whatever anyone had thought of him in TidalClan, he hadn't been stupid.  And it seemed neither had Swiftstar.  Their leader had appointed him as little Tidepaw's mentor, something that had surprised him even more than it had surprised the clan.  Not that he would have ever let anyone in on it--he had swaggered up with all the pride and authority and I'm awesome-ness that came with being a mentor.  But he had been surprised.  The way he'd made himself out to be, cats would have thought him the worst possible choice for a mentor.  If Hopflight had tried to keep his image up, they would have been right.  But he hadn't... it hadn't worked out like he had originally planned.  He'd thought he could retain his lazy self-obsessiveness, and train her poorly so they would assign her to someone else.  But... he'd grown to love her.  He'd felt a connection to her, a duty to her.  There was something... something he'd realized.  They'd always had something in common.

Sins of the Father, a Father from RaggedClan.

As much as he tried to keep it down, the sent that suddenly washed over the Refuge was one of fear.  There were stark differences, but... it felt like she was describing his own life.  And as the memories washed over him again, he was terrified.

He bit it back, cursing himself.  Stupid, stupid.  Now's not the time to play compare-tragic-backstories, Hop.  She's HURTING.

Swiftstar hadn't been stupid, either.  He remembered a patrol that he'd gone on.  Just him, Tidepaw and their leader.  As though he was watching for something, seeing how the two of them related.  Hopflight had alternated between goofing off and arguing with his apprentice, and as exasperated as Swiftstar had been, he hadn't taken her away from him.  At the end of that patrol, he'd held his breath, trying to convince himself that it would be good for both her and him if she was assigned to another mentor.  But when Swiftstar had said nothing to indicate that Hopflight would not longer be trusted as a mentor, his heart had cried out in relief.  

Their leader had known more than Hopflight would have thought possible.  He had known how much he needed Tidepaw.  Perhaps he had known how much she had needed him, too.  How much had he known about their families?  Their similarities?  That they both bore scars from when their parents tried to kill them?

Had he known that Hopflight's flirtatious, egocentric, unreliable behavior had all been an act?  Had he known that Tide's amnesia had all been a lie?

I've done so much as a Monarch.  I've made Safe Haven!  I've MADE SAFE HAVEN!  So why do I feel that there's so much I still have to live up to?  All I've done... I've just been lucky.  I was granted power from somewhere else, and I've had to rise to it.  He turned away from her as well, just so she wouldn't see the tears that were welling up in his eyes.  Right after he'd re-promised himself not to start crying, either.  Broken habits were hard to fix.  I'm not a tenth of the leader Swiftstar was.  Not yet.

"Aah, kid..." he said, emotion trembling through his voice.  He'd always wanted to hear it from her.  Ever since he'd first been skeptical about her amnesia.  But he... hadn't ever thought about what he would say.  "I always wondered..."  A pause.  He tried to swallow through his dry throat, and his motion was almost like the one she had done, a second before.  So much sadness in her life.  Has anything good ever lasted for her?  "I..."

You've pushed it off for so long.  You've called it 'Monarch' because you knew you'd never be able to live up to your idea of a leader.  Buck up.  PUT a bit of leader into your idea of Monarch.  You've unmade that part of yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't remake it.  Work hard.

He stood up and walked over to her, crouching down and resting his chin over her head.  "There will always be villains," he murmured.  "Villains of the sort that hurt us even after they're defeated.  That part of the world is never going to change.  But if you're not a worthy hero of that story, I can't think of a single damned other thing that could be."


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Tidal Delta Refuge }

She was silent for a long while as her last few words fell upon the ears of the others.  Even Ruth- dear Ruth, who had never known the truth, or her real name- was stunned into speechlessness.  Quietly, Tidefrost reached out a paw, and without a word rested it between her familiar's soft ears.  Ruth gazed up at her with glistening blue eyes of crystal, never moving, never speaking, save for the tiniest brush of her forehead against Tidefrost's paw.  She was forgiven.

After a long time, she chanced to look back to Hopflight.  The tom had been staring at her; she had felt his teal gaze burning into her even as she refused to meet it.  The vanguard's lips twitched faintly at his first few words, and she looked away again, a sigh blustering past her in a shaky sort of way.  "Yeah, I know..." she murmured.  "I'm a pretty terrible liar..."  Tidefrost's eyelids slid shut, baring the scars that ridged heavily over her right one- scars that were the perfect imprint of her father's hooked claws.  Yet she'd always had a feeling that Hopflight knew she wasn't telling the truth.  She'd known, and she'd also guessed that he had something of his own that he was hiding.  She'd never asked, though, and neither had he.

Yet Tidefrost wasn't expecting the tom to suddenly stand and pad over to her; she stared up in shock just before his chin dropped over her forehead, nestling into her gray fur and tickling the fowl feathers tucked behind her ear.  She could feel his heartbeat against her nose, nestled into his throat.  It was a kind of intimacy that she was completely unused to, and without her consent- as always- her own heartbeat stuttered and sped up in response.  She wondered if he could feel it.

"...Hopflight..." she murmured, her forehead creasing.  How did one simply ask?  Tidefrost sighed shakily, her breath brushing against his mane, before murmuring, "...I'm...tired...."

Perhaps...she would ask him another time.


{ Hopflight | Monarch | Tidal Delta Refuge }

"Then sleep, kid."

Hopflight's voice was surprisingly gentle as he laid down, curling around her protectively.  He was much larger than she was, and because of this he could easily cover her.  He left a little room for Ruth, of course, and a little for Floppy (though his own familiar was already curled up at his back, one leg twitching slightly as he dreamed, not a care in the world) but for the most part, it was just her.  His warmth was enough to stave away the slight cold that had gripped the world now that the sun so rarely showed its face.  He felt some of her warmth, too, and it was a comforting ward against the chill that accompanied exhaustion.

He groomed her lazily, his tongue rasping over her ears and head, his tail swishing slightly.  He smoothed her torn and gritty fur, washing her ash-filled wounds.  He knew that she rarely shared tongues like this--he'd never seen her do it, other than that one day when she had first come to Safe Haven.  He didn't know if her foster mother had ever groomed her (for he was certain that his father had not), and wondered if she'd ever engaged in this act of friendship and trust with Ruth.

It didn't matter.  He hoped she wasn't uncomfortable, because it was the most relaxing and therapeutic thing he'd been able to do in the last few days.  It was a sort of comfort that he and Lynx had often shared before they had created Safe Haven, and he hoped that she could appreciate that kind of comfort.


{ Tidefrost | Vanguard | Tidal Delta Refuge }

The she-cat blinked in exhausted surprise when Hopflight stood and made his way over to her, enclosing both she and Ruth into his embrace so that their fur meshed together- gray and spotted black colliding like stormclouds- and gently washing her grime-streaked pelt.  At first she tensed instinctively, trembling, but as soon as Hopflight began to work the knots out of each clump of her unruly fur she felt herself relaxing inch by trembling inch, not even possessing the energy to wince when his tongue brushed her still-raw wounds.  Tidefrost had never done such a thing before.  She understood now why friends and friends alone did it, for her every instinct screamed that her personal space was compromised, that she was in danger; and yet her heart only pounded the way it did because of his closeness.  She could scent everything on Hopflight's pelt, he was so close.  Even the dust motes seemed to catch her nose's attention at this short of a distance, and before Tidefrost knew it she was relaxing.  Relaxing.  Letting her guard down.  He had her and Tidefrost understood what it meant to trust somebody else.  Nothing would happen to her, not so long as Hopflight was with her, was taking care of her.  She'd never been taken care of before.

"Thank you," the vanguard whispered, her throat hoarse and her chest aching still, yet she knew he'd heard and that he would understand.  Her head was already slipping, now.  Her cheek slid from the air with a static-charged rush of air and came to a rest over Hopflight's foreleg, rolling loosely for a whisker's turn before her eyes slid shut.  She wasn't asleep yet, but she looked for all the world to be.  It was that single moment of bleary clarity, in the span of time where she had lost all control of her body but hadn't yet succumbed to sleep, that Tidefrost dared to admit to herself how she really felt about this tom.  She wouldn't voice it, but she could feel it.  It gently surrounded her as Hopflight had done already, calming her jagged nerves, firmly washing away much of the hatred and guilt she still carried on her shoulders.  It left her at peace.

She fell asleep in someone else's arms for the first time in her life.