{ TGB } Not That Way

It was late at night by the time the Orange-Light reached his den, flicking his stumpy tail quietly as he entered in the way that he always did, for Athens had never stopped sleeping in here.  Ktori had simply accepted the other tom’s presence in silence- Athens didn’t prevent Ktori from sleeping, and he had already seen Ktori under the influence of his nightmares, so there was no longer anything to hide.  In fact, if Ktori were to be honest, the healer found it almost…comforting, to share his den.  He’d done so with Niamh when they were both recovering, but considering they both had been too sick and close to death to even enjoy it, he didn’t count his former mentor and new leader as a denmate.  It was good that he didn’t, too.  Now Niamh had taken roost in the quaint den where Basil had once slept and raised two litters, and the black Bombay herself was simply…gone.

Yet even as Ktori entered and noted the gleam of Athens’ eyes in the dark, the other tom gave no sign of acknowledgement save for turning his face away and burying his muzzle in his tail.  Ktori paused and stared at the shadowed figure just a tail-length away in silence.  Athens did not respond.

What have I done to wrong you?

Lately, the other Light Triber had been refusing to speak to Ktori as he once had, and when he did he simply radiated a sulky and upset mood.  The patched tom failed to understand it.  He had thought that perhaps it had been an effect of losing their tattoos, but the timing was off, and now that they had returned Athens’ mood hadn’t improved at all.  Ktori hated to admit it, but he was worried.  He couldn’t remember for the life of him what he had done to hurt his friend, and though he did have a few gaps in his memory here and there, Ktori wouldn’t forget something so substantial.

The Orange-Light padded to his nest after a few seconds of standing in the entranceway and settled into the moss quietly, secretly enjoying the soft plush of the goose down Athens had stuffed into it over a season ago.  It was still as delicate and comfortable as kit fluff, though of course harmlessly obtained.  Ktori nestled his muzzle into it and let his eyes slide halfway shut, heaving a sigh, but his gaze never left Athens’ figure.  The other tom was pretending to be asleep; he could tell.  He could always tell.

Without warning or a word, Ktori reached out a paw to nudge his denmate’s side, quietly lifting his chin so that his words would not be swallowed by the moss.  ”What’s wrong?” he whispered, his voice a low rumble that could have passed for distant thunder amidst the silence.

Athens said nothing for a few seconds, as if debating whether to continue feigning slumber, but finally he huffed instead and turned his face the other way.  ”Nothing.  Go away.”

Concern flashed through Ktori, and he straightened up in his nest, sighing quietly through his nose.  It tickled his whiskers.  ”Okay, now I know something’s wrong,” he murmured.

”Ktori.”  Athens sighed, a deep, melancholy sound.  ”Leave it alone.  Go back to your nest.”

Ktori decided not to point out that he was still technically in his nest, and instead he silently carried the entire lump of bedding with him, raising his chin so that Athens could see the glow of his golden eyes fixated on the poisoner’s face.  Athens shook his head as if irritated, waiting for a few moments, but when Ktori only moved closer with his nest the tom finally spoke.

”When were you gonna tell me about….”  Athens paused, his eyes flashing with something like hurt.  ”..her.”

Well, he certainly hadn’t been expecting that.

Ktori blinked in shock for several seconds, the silence sprawling out between them until it felt as if it formed some sort of blank plain that he could not seem to cross.  So many questions swirled in his head, confused and mottled and blurring together.  Why does he even care?  The Orange-Light tilted his head slowly, bewildered, before gently pointing out, ”I did.  I didn’t tell you how I…really felt, but I thought if you knew me so well…it’d be obvious.”  Ktori hesitated and then shrugged his shoulders; it was so faint that Athens probably missed it, turned away as he was.  ”I didn’t dare say it out loud.”  The tom winced slightly, remembering how it had felt just to admit it to Kato.  He’d been so afraid that Kato would say something or act differently and give Ktori away, thus ruining even the companionship that he had with Saphiria.  Of course, none of that had happened and Ktori had been paranoid for nothing, but still…he’d been afraid.  He had been afraid and it was hard just to admit it.

The other tom was eerily silent, his eyes shut so tightly that the creases of their lids crumpled in upon themselves, and the worry and confusion in Ktori’s chest doubled.  ”I…I had thought…” Athens swallowed hard and then shook his head again.  ”It doesn’t matter.  You….” The poisoner laughed softly, then, taking Ktori by surprise as he muttered, ”I…just go to sleep, Ktori.”

”It does matter.” Ktori confusedly reached out towards the tom’s shoulder, but his paw stopped, wavering in midair.  He failed to touch the other tom out of both respect for Athens- who was clearly hurting, and Ktori couldn’t figure out why- and the fear of being turned away by the one cat who had been so stubbornly kind to him, even when he had been cold and distant after Yvaine’s death.  Ktori couldn’t understand how anything he had done recently would elicit such a strong reaction after he’d treated Athens so terribly then.  Was Athens jealous that Ktori was spending so much time with Saphiria?  Did Athens want that with someone or- or Spirits forbid, did he want that with Saphiria?  Had Ktori missed something like that?  Hardly daring to breathe, he whispered, ”Why…are you so hurt…?”

Athens finally turned and eyed him for a few moments, his gold eyes rivaling Ktori’s before flicking back to the tom’s outstretched paw.  With a soft sigh, the younger tom nuzzled his nose against Ktori’s scarred paw pad, murmuring, ”You know why, Mr. Grump.”

Ktori spoke carefully, quietly.  ”No, I don’t.”

The poisoner inhaled deeply, a sound that almost filled Ktori’s own lungs, before he released it through a sigh and then a voice that was so soft it could have been mistaken for a simple breath.  Yet that very same exhale was so defeated and sad that Ktori’s chest tightened, and that was before the words even truly registered in his thoughts.

”I love you.”

It was as if the breath had been knocked out of him, and for several seconds Ktori neither could nor dared to breathe- because whatever he’d been expecting or even fearing, it hadn’t been that.  How…how had he been so stupid?  How had he never seen any of that?  Was he just…blind, or was he both? 

..Why was it even him?  What could Athens even see in him?  He was still in shock that Saphiria returned his feelings, and she’d known the better side of him longer than any other cat.  And why would Athens be hurt- implying that he expected there was a chance of…of them- when he knew full well that Ktori couldn’t look at another tom that way?  He’d already said it before, many times.  It had become a point of playful mischief on Athens’ half, something to tease him over and make him uncomfortable with.

He had to say something.  The silence was slowly becoming a canyon.

”..Athens…” Ktori’s gaze dropped to his paws, torn to shreds, horrified at himself.  ”…Why?” Something flashed inside of him and whispered, Don’t say that, and yet Ktori was too dazed to even breathe.  He was afraid.  He had never wanted to hurt another cat in this way again- never.  Look at what had happened with Yvaine when he had. 

Maybe that was why he’d been so awful to Athens when they’d met.

”..I don’t…I mean, I don’t understand why you…even think of me as a friend, much less that…way.”  Ktori shakily inhaled, his lungs stinging.  ”I’m not even kind to you half the time.  I never was in the beginning…”

Cold air slapped his paw pad as if angry, and he blinked in surprise, staring blankly as Athens pulled away.  The younger tom buried his face in his tail and laughed a bit, the sound muffled by his own fur, his ears pricked to listen and his gaze shockingly soft.  Ktori wanted to run away when faced with that look.  Even when he was being horrible- even now- Athens still looked at Ktori as if he were somehow the best cat around.  He couldn’t understand it.  He couldn’t accept that.

”I told you when we first met.  You…you’re different.  I don’t need kind,” Athens admitted, pausing to snort under his breath.  ”Spirits know I’m barely sociable half the time.  But…I…we’ve known each other for, what, six moons now?  I was twelve when we first met and look at everything that’s happened.  Spirits have died and returned, and you’re still…”  The tom’s voice trailed away, and for a moment he seemed to have lost his thoughts.  Then he sighed and shook his head.  ”I like you.  You’re…the only cat I trust, ‘cept for Miss Basil.”

Ktori flinched, wanting to say what Athens needed to know- that he wasn’t the hero that Athens thought he was, that everything he’d ever done that was seen as “noble” was nothing but cowardice or failure- but his vocal cords weren’t listening to him.  In the silence that followed Athens continued quietly, ”I don’t….I know you don’t and never will care about me that way.  I don’t even know if you care about me at all….I just…with her being in your life now, I needed….”

Faintly, Athens let his words fade away again, his eyes lost, before he offered the tiniest and saddest of smiles Ktori had ever seen.  ”…to let you know, I guess.”

”I’m so sorry.”  Finally.  His gaze dropped as if it had been filled with stones, heavy and laden with shame, his paw slowly following when it became clear that Athens wasn’t going to accept it anymore.  ”I wish I was…”

…what?  His jaws remained open, and yet no words followed, because what was he going to say?  He didn’t want to change.  He didn’t want anyone but Saphiria.  Yet in the same regard, he didn’t want to hurt Athens; not like this.  Maybe Ktori wished he was strong enough to be able to bear that burden, but he never had been.  He’d always been too much of a coward to be like his father, or his mother, and take the duty of the one who had to bear their friends’ pains and failures.  Ktori was not as strong as he was perceived.  He knew this, but Athens didn’t, and no matter what Ktori tried, Athens would never accept it, either.  So what did Ktori wish he was?

”…I don’t know, Athens, I wish I was a better cat…and I wish I knew what I could do right now,” Ktori whispered, staring at his feet.  When the wind parted his fur, he could see all of the scars there.  ”..Please don’t think…that I don’t care about you.  I do.  You’re actually one of my only friends, and I care about you a lot more than I think I let off, but….”

Now it was Ktori’s turn to trail away into silence.  There it was- his cowardice.  He couldn’t give voice to those last four words, but they both knew them.

..not in that way.

Athens leaned forward hesitantly, and Ktori watched him with a wary fear in his eyes, fighting the instinct to jerk backwards.  Gently, the tom’s nose touched Ktori’s scarred cheek, his breath warming the fur there.

”I didn’t expect anything different, Ktori.  And you’re one of the best cats I know.”  Ktori’s eyelids fluttered faintly as he tried to interrupt, but Athens persisted, adding with a sigh, ”And…she makes you happy.  You deserve to be happy.”

Athens was a better cat than he was.

”I still don’t know why you think that,” he whispered, leaning back to stare at Athens in confusion.  What had he ever done?  Why was this cat so devoted to him, when Ktori hadn’t just been distant, but he had even been cruel at times until the last two or three months?  His gaze was unreadable as he tried to find the answer in Athen’s eyes, and when he failed, he murmured, ”You know…you should be proud.  You’re a lot better of a cat than you think.”

Athens shrugged his shoulders and calmly met Ktori’s gaze, even going so far as to try and break the defenses that had been hardwired into Ktori since the day he was born to find out what the patched tom was thinking.  Of course, he failed.  No one was that good.  Not even Saphiria knew half the time.  ”Because you haven’t let what happened to you define you,” Athens finally said.  ”Because I have seen the moments you didn’t want anyone else to see.  I know you, Ktori.  About as well as you’ve let me, anyway, and maybe more than you like, but….”

The tom sighed, shaking his head.  ”…You’re part of why I’ve gotten better.  I used to be a terror, I still want to cause mischief and…my morals are still absent, but you- you show me what good is.  You’re what good looks like, to me.”

As Athens continued to look at Ktori- and not with any sort of expectance, now, but simply respect- a dull burn began to rise in his cheeks, and with shock the Orange-Light realized it was self-consciousness.  He was embarrassed.  If what Athens was saying was true, then Ktori had overlooked a great many things.  Had he done that on purpose, or was Athens just glorifying things still?  Ktori may have tried to bear his torture with courageous silence, but he’d also deserved it.  Hadn’t he?

”…I guess so.”  Ktori tilted his head faintly, his eyes soft before he added, ”You’re a good cat, Athens.  Really.”  His exhale trembled ever so slightly as he remembered all of the things Athens had done for him- particularly that day just weeks ago.  The day he’d nearly lost Saphiria.  It was still a terrifying blur that he refused to let himself remember while awake, but what he couldn’t forget was the fact that Athens had been there.  When Ktori had been staggering in an attempt to drag Saphiria to safety, with blood sheeting down from his gashes and his strength fading horrifyingly fast, Athens had just suddenly appeared.  He’d probably saved Saphiria’s life.  ”And I…am still indebted to you for helping me get her home safe.”

The tom’s eyes stared at the remaining scabs from that vicious fight with the skinny brown tom, almost remembering their stinging before he flexed his claws and glanced back up at Athens.  ”Thank you,” he whispered simply.  ”Thank you for everything.”

Athens cautiously pressed his cheek against Ktori’s, and then, as if daring to see how far Ktori would let him reach, placed his forepaw over the Orange-Light’s.  ”Don’t thank me,” he murmured, before pulling away and tucking his paws underneath his chest.  His eyes abruptly flicked away from Ktori’s, then, and he suddenly began, ”Have you…ever….”

Ktori tilted his head in confusion as Athens swallowed hard.  After a few seconds he mumbled, ”Remember when cats would joke about us being soulbound?”

The other tom’s eyes flickered in surprise, and Ktori glanced at him.  ”…Vaguely, yes.”

Athens’ nose flushed a deep red, and Ktori blinked again, trying to meet his downcast gaze and failing.  ”I…”  The poisoner faltered and then asked, ”What are your thoughts on it?”

Soulbonding.  Ktori shuddered inwardly.  The very word brought up memories of just a few days ago, when Kato had asked him to be his soulbond…and Ktori had, as gently as he possibly could, refused.  The tom slowly blinked again and admitted, ”I…I’m not sure…”  He looked at his feet, shuffling them together before abruptly chuckling under his breath.  ”You know, I just turned down my practical brother as a soulbond a few days ago…because I couldn’t imagine soulbonding outside of Light Tribe.  And that’s true, but…really, I…I don’t know if I could do it.”

Athens slowly lifted his gaze, watching the healer curiously.  ”..Explain?”

Feeling quite awkward, Ktori glanced around their den, trying to find the right words.  Soulbonding with Kato…hadn’t seemed right.  Kato was his brother.  Kato was also a Water Triber.  And- dare he admit it- Kato was falling for Annabelle, if Ktori’s instincts were correct as usual.  He hadn’t felt comfortable with the idea of soulbonding, much less with Kato, as horrible as that sounded out loud.

”I just…” Ktori sighed, trying to find the right words, before suddenly they were simply there as if they’d been waiting for him to admit their presence. 

He was afraid.

”I remember what it was like,” Ktori whispered, ”to hold her and realize that I couldn’t do anything.  I kept pressing cobwebs to her wounds, but I couldn’t stop it.  I thought she was going to die, right there.” A tremor of unspeakable fear shuddered down his spine, making his paws grow cold.  What was life if Saphiria wasn’t there?  He remembered in terror how long it had taken until her blood stopped staining his toes, stopped seeping past every clump of cobweb he pressed against her wound.  ”I had no power.  None…even after all of my training, after everything we’re taught, it ends up useless without our actual tattoos.  And if I soulbonded with you…”  Ktori dared to look at Athens, his breath halting in his throat.  ”…what if, the next time, it was you?  What if I couldn’t save you?”

Athens stared and then actually grinned a bit, nudging him with a paw.  ”Is that affection I hear?”  The look of warmth in his gold gaze was a shocking contrast to the misery that it had been filled with just minutes earlier.  Yet even as Ktori stared at him helplessly, Athens sobered and said, ”I understand, though.  We don’t have to, I just…you’re kinda the only cat I would even want to share a soul with.  Lucky you, Mr. Grump.”  The tom offered him a small smile, and Ktori blinked in surprise.

”Thank you…”  He tilted his head faintly, then, almost feeling the absurd urge to smile.  ”…though I’m shocked you do.  It wouldn’t be anything exciting.”  Not to mention you would know…everything.

Athens seemed to take notice of the faint curl in Ktori’s lips and grinned even wider.  ”You know you wanna smile, Mr. Grump.  Exciting?”  The tom dramatically gestured to himself with the flare of a paw.  ”I’m exciting enough for the both of us, or have you not figured that out yet?”

Ktori nodded seriously.  ”That is very true.”

The poisoner looked back at him for a moment before bursting out laughing.  ”I see through you, Ktori.”  Athens nudged him once more, adding, ”You can’t hide behind that handsome stoic mask from me.”

Ignoring Athen’s tease- and the actual twinge of defiance that his words woke in Ktori’s soul- he answered swiftly, ”Sure I can.  I’ve done it with everyone else.”  He lifted his chin, though amusement was clear in his eyes now.  ”I am unreadable.”

”See, there’s your issue.”  Athens let out a ”tsk” sound and eyed Ktori with that same grin.  ”I’m not everyone else.”  He snorted faintly.  ”Unreadable, my ass.”

Ktori lifted his chin a little higher.  ”Infallible.”

”Uh huh.  Sure.”  Athens rolled his eyes.  ”You know your eyes get really squinty when you’re annoyed?”

”Of course.”  That was why he did it- so that he didn’t have to say out loud that he was irritated.

Athens narrowed his eyes as if accepting some sort of unspoken challenge.  ”Okay.  Fine.  The pitch of your voice changes after a nightmare.  And you look…haunted.  Well, if you know how to look past that ‘infallible’ mask.”  The tom snorted as Ktori fell silent, shutters dropping over his gaze again as his chin slowly returned to its usual position.  Athens twitched his whiskers faintly.

”Think about the soulbonding.”  The tom smiled faintly at him.  ”I promise not to do anything stupid if you say yes.”

Ktori’s jaws clenched together as he truly, honestly considered the proposal.  Someone else would share my thoughts.  He fought the want to shiver.  Someone else…Athens…would know what really happened in there.  Spirits, he’d fought so long to pretend otherwise.  That it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.  But it had been worse, so much worse, and Spirits help him if he didn’t want Athens to be the one to know that.

He felt his defenses crumbling slightly in the face of actual fear, but he still managed to keep his voice level as he responded faintly, ”You don’t know…what you’re asking to deal with…”

Athens held his gaze and frowned slightly, standing to move and settle down next to Ktori.  ”Do you think I would ask if I wasn’t sure?” he teased faintly, but Ktori didn’t even blink.  Of course Athens wasn’t sure.  He wasn’t sure at all of what he was trying to get himself into.

”Yes.”

”Ktori…”  Athens exhaled softly, disappointed.  ”I can’t force you.  And I don’t know…I’ve said it before.  You’re…you’re it for me, and…I know it won’t work romantically.  Never had a chance.  But you are…”  The tom paused, visibly struggling to word his thoughts.  ”Just…give someone…let someone be there for you, Ktori.  Please.  I see you suffering so much on your own, just…let me.  Please.”

The patched healer’s expression was torn practically in halves as he stared at Athens speechlessly.  This cat…this cat was one of the most honest, compassionate individuals Ktori had ever had the honor of meeting, much less befriending.  Was he really going to find anyone better than this?  If he was ever going to soulbond…would he dare trust his soul to any cat but Athens?

No.  No, he wouldn’t.

”I….”  Ktori dropped his gaze, confused.  ”I don’t know…how to say no.”

Athens’ voice grew soft as his chin tilted, eyes focused on Ktori’s.  ”So say yes.”

Ktori glanced back up at the sound of Athens’ words, studying the younger tom’s face.  There was so much hope there, very likely so much more than the tom realized; he had no idea how to refuse Athens twice.  If he were being honest, he didn’t want to.

Could he do this?  Could he actually…trust someone with his soul?

”…Yes.”

Athens’ breath escaped him in a single exhale, and he slowly moved forward, pressing his forehead against Ktori’s.  Their tattoos brushed, sending a tingling down the healer’s spine, and Athens whispered fervently, ”Okay.  Thank you.”  His voice dropped even quieter.  ”Thank you.”

Ktori almost smiled again, gently butting back against Athens’ forehead.  ”Niamh has to say yes, too.”  And of course, she will.

The purr that Athens softly gave off trembled in his voice, and Ktori swore he saw tears glistening in the other tom’s eyes.  ”I don’t think that’ll be an issue,” he said, almost chuckling- or perhaps that was his voice nearly breaking.

Ktori chuckled quietly in response.  ”Probably not.”

Athens’ purr grew in volume, and then for the first time he asked him forthright, ”Can I…stay here?”  Quickly, he added, ”Just for tonight?” which very nearly prompted a laugh from Ktori.  Athens had stayed here so often that Ktori had already started thinking of this den as theirs.  Why not treat it like so?

”Of course you can, you stay half the time anyway.”  And he allowed himself a small smile, for Athens’ sake, his own personal invitation to accept Athens’ presence here indefinitely.

The younger tom beamed at Ktori’s expression and actually licked the healer’s scarred cheek, purring louder than ever as he curled in on himself.  For a moment he lay still, and then his tail flicked over to rest atop his nose, muffling his final words.  ”Goodnight, Ktori.”

Ktori slowly settled down as well, not even bothering to move his nest back the tail-length it’d been shoved across the sandy floor, so that when he curled into the goose down and moss his fur brushed Athens’.  He chuckled softly, twisting his neck atop a foreleg and crossing his paws.

”Goodnight, Athens.”